Reporting live from my parents house in Naperville (Naperthrille).  Yes, after turning the tender age of 26 last week, I am rooming with my parents for the next month until I move into my apartment.

Cooking in my parents house is just so great.  Also, being surrounded by 204982305783057 pictures of my high school self has me craving many of my pre- drinking age snacks.  Do you rem high school? Rem being a high school athlete and needing to pound food like the world was ending (technically my sport was tennis but I like to think my true sport was band/choir).

Okay back to the snacks: Wheat Thins.  I can still own a box a Wheat Thins but when I saw this recipe I knew I had no choice but to make them from scratch.  Plus this recipe has infinity less sugar/salt than regs Wheat Thins which is awesome.  I added a little more water than the above recipe has and in one of the batches I forgot paprika and it didn’t make a damn difference.  You will also see I couldn’t care about these being perfect even squares (did not remotely prevent me from devouring these).

I doubled the recipe (like there is even an option not to) which means you pulse 2.5 cups of wheat flour, 3 tablespoons sugar, 1 teaspoon of salt, 0.5 teaspoons of paprika (pointless), 8 tablespoons of cold butter cut into bits in a food processor until it looks like crumbs.  Drizzle in slightly over 0.5 cups of cold water until the mixture starts to come together.  Grab as much dough from the processor as you feel like rolling (took me 3 roll sessions to get through this dough) and place on a floured surface.  ROLL LIKE HELL.  You want these to be Wheat THINS so you need to put some work into it.

I used my recently acquired Star Trek pizza cutter to cut these into the desired squares but you could use a knife or traditional pizza cutter.

Now you have to toothpick each of these 9 times.  I imported my mom for this job because it was boring.  Transfer to parchment paper lined baking sheets.

So now you have to choose your choice.  You can lightly sprinkle these with salt and bake for 5-7 minutes at 400 degrees.  These will taste like a great cracker.  If you want these to taste like the ultimate branded Wheat Thins you need to salt them to the death.  As much salt at you can possibly get on them plus 10%.  Continue to bake for 5-7 minutes.  These 5-7 minutes should be spent talking to your mom in the kitchen because the second you walk away from the oven the crackers will burn so keep an eye on them.

I killed these with some almond butter so that I felt a little more sophisticated than my 16 year old self who would eat these with a 1:10 cracker to cream cheese ratio.

White Trash Option: Using a Non-Star Trek Pizza Cutter.